so it’s been a couple weeks since i last wrote. not because i didn’t want to, but just pure laziness. i could come up with a bajillion excuses but really none of them matter. the truth is i just didn’t seem to make it a priority.
but here i am.
i’ve wanted to write this blog for awhile. i mentioned it in my blogpost about wedding dress shopping. but i wanted it to be perfect, i wanted to wait till i had lost all the weight i was wanting to lose and then write this most amazing blog post about how i finally found success and yadadada. so typical of me. i only want to do something if i know it’s going to be perfect. but can we just take a moment to be honest and real. i’m not perfect. i will never be perfect. and i need to be okay with that. and i need to stop trying to wait for this one day in my life where everything is finally perfect. because i’d end up wasting my entire life waiting for that. so with that out of the way. here is my truth about weight-loss.
where to start. well just about since i can remember i’ve wanted to lose weight. actually thats not true. it all started when i was around eleven years old. i was at a day camp one summer and wanted to buy a camp t-shirt. so eleven years old, i decided to buy it myself with my money and went to the old lady working the desk and asked for a large shirt and she held it up and said to me are you sure that will fit? maybe you should go on a diet. (um hello who tells an eleven year old they should go on a diet??)
but there you go. thats where it all started. after that i tried so hard to make myself diet and lose weight, i tried to work out, i tried to not eat, i tried to throw up my food. the problem was i couldn’t get myself to do any of it.
finally in college that was it i had enough i was going to lose weight, so i started running. i actually found i really liked running, and i began to lose weight. i lost almost forty pounds. but then summer came and i stopped running so i gained 20 back then i lost then i gained and so the cycle went.
then i started dating kyle… i loved kyle and knew i wanted to marry him, but i had a picture perfect the way that things would go. i would get myself healthy and thin and then we would get engaged because i wanted to look so good in my engagement pictures. but then he proposed and i had not lost the weight. so that is when this year began. see all my life i wanted to be thin by the time got a boyfriend, then i wanted to be thin by the time i got engaged and now i wanted to be thin by the time i got married. but here were all these milestones just passing me by and i wasn’t actually working towards my goal, i was just wishing for it. so finally i said enough is enough, i knew i would never be as motivated as i was right then. so i started working out, a lot. started eating more vegetables and was also diagnosed celiac so that meant i couldn’t eat gluten any more, all played a role in my weight-loss journey.
i started seriously trying to lose weight and get healthy last june. since then i have lost 33 lbs.
prior to losing weight i always thought i’d be more confident if i was smaller. but truthfully i’m more insecure than ever. see people tell me all the time that i look good and they can see i’ve lost so much weight… but i don’t see it. i don’t see any progress. i don’t feel any different. i look in the mirror and just see the same body i’ve been trying to transform since i was eleven years old. with no progress and no changes. the same insecurities still haunting me. isn’t weight loss funny? why is it that i can’t see the difference? why is it rather than seeing how far i’ve come all i see is how far i have left to go? so i decided to take a comparison photo to see myself now compared to last june. and at first i saw no difference. instead of seeing how far i had come all i could see was how far i want to go. but i showed the two pictures to kyle and he assured me that there was definitely a difference. the more i looked i finally started to see it.
so this got me thinking. perhaps i’ve been doing this wrong my whole life. i’ve been trying to change my body so that i could become the person i’ve always wanted to be, confident, care-free, beautiful and so on. but maybe i need to become the person i’ve always wanted to be and as i do my body will change with me. not that i stop working at my physical goals. but maybe alongside that i need to put more effort into me as a person. if i want to be more confident i won’t find that in my physical body. because that will always rely on the fact my body looks good, rather i need to find confidence in who i am as a person, because then even if my body falls apart i can still stay confident in the midst of that. i have no idea if that even makes sense it’s just an idea aha.
so yeah thats where i’m at with my weight-loss journey, improved so much, but now needing to deal with my mental struggle of liking me as a person no matter how i look, and also seeing my success and stop seeing myself as that same girl i was 50 lbs ago. what i’ve found most helpful is surrounding myself with people who remind me of how amazing i am. and i don’t mean that at all in a conceited way or trying to brag that i am amazing.
please hear me, i am extremely insecure and think people don’t like me all the time. so it is essential for me to have a support system in my life, people in my life that remind me all the time that i can do anything if i want to, that i am valuable, loved, treasured, beautiful and so on, because as they affirm those things in me i am slowly starting to see it in myself. it’s like when i showed kyle my comparison pictures, i didn’t see the difference at first but as he affirmed it i began to see it. and so it is in my life with my character, kyle is incredible like that and tells me all the time how awesome i am, that i have nothing to worry about, that i am capable, that i am loved, that i am valued. and so much more. and as he tells me those things over time i am finding it easier and easier to see those things in myself.
no matter where you are on your journey if i could communicate two things to you it would be, you NEED a support system because you need to know you are NOT alone… EVER!
the second thing would be that you are precious! you’re life is precious, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are capable, you are treasured, you are valuable, you are …. INCREDIBLE! find people that will remind you how beautiful you are when you fail to see it yourself! so just incase you haven’t been told in awhile let me tell you again,
you are beautiful
from my heart to yours